Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
