I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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