i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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