I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
this will be a night to untag.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
