she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
