The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
