two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
