your parents love me but you hate me
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
