Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
