I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
