Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
