I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
this hospital has no fireball
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
