Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
