I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
