Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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