i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
