And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
