i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
