I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
