im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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