i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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