the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
