help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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