Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
