phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
