my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
