I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
