Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the day after is always just damage control
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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