I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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