You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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