What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
