history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
