There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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