Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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