the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
