If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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