a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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