i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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