wakey wakey hands off snakey
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
