Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
