why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
