I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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