I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Randomize
