you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
PANTIES FOUND
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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