please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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