please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
