Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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