would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
