My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize