I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
