He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
