I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
