someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
