good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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