I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
