Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
