How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
